Have you ever had a bad habit? Something that you keep on doing despite knowing you should stop? Bad habits are hard to break, goes the saying. I agree. Habits can be troublesome at times, especially when you know it's going to hurt you in the long run.
I've seen and know people who had bad habits from as harmless as chewing the top of your wooden pencil, to something as bad as smoking or taking drugs.
Winter had a bad habit.
She had the bad habit of falling in love.
It started when she reached primary six. At first, it was harmless. Just childish, random gossiping and squealing, fooling around like we should at our age. We were, after all, teenage girls. I understand that as well as anyone else. The thought of obtaining a boyfriend is exciting, I admit. Everyone wants to fall in love, someday. Our primary school was an all-girls school, meaning that we were extra 'foreign' to guys.
The school I'm currently attending is also an all-girl's school, so I don't think my atmosphere has changed much. On the other hand, Winter's life flipped, turned upside down the moment she spent her first day in a co-ed school.
Boys.
Boys meant crushes. Crushes meant confessions. Confessions meant relationships.
And relationships meant heartbreak.
~~~
A lazy afternoon at home was pretty boring for me. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. Taking a small nap on the couch, I almost jerked out of my skin when the handphone I left behind my head started to ring obnoxiously into my ear.
I groped around grumpily for the device, eyes blurred with sleepiness.
"Hello?" I yawned into the phone, then halted mid-way.
Hiccups. The sound of sobbing.
"H-hello?" I repeated once more, more alertly as I swung upwards into a sitting position. Was that who I thought it was?
"Winter?" I asked unsurely to the person on the other end just to make sure.
"S-Summer..." the voice quivered through the receiver and I blinked. So it was her.
"Hey? You okay? What's wrong?"
"I... He... We broke up."
"What?"
"We.... broke up."
"You.... okay, I get it. I'll come over right away."
"Huh? W-what? But..."
"Winter." I spoke firmly, a seriousness in my voice. "Wait for me."
"I.... Okay."
~~~
The day Winter had her first break up, I grabbed hold of my slippers and went straight to her house. When I got there, she had already stopped crying, but I could see that her eyes were clearly red and puffy and she sounded chocked.
I always hated seeing her cry. I never wanted to see her upset. It bothered me. I thought, no one like her should deserved to be so sad.
So, that day, I forced her to spend the afternoon with me and I treated her to a hot drink as we chatted and laughed. I couldn't reverse it. I couldn't stop what had already happened. But at least I could make her feel better by drowning away her sorrow.
At least, I could do that.
I thought I was happy with just that. I was wrong, once again.
Her habit didn't stop. In fact, it grew so quickly, it became somewhat of an obsession.
Obsessed with love; it was a new part of Winter that suddenly appeared.
At first, it was entertaining, and maybe a little bit fun. That was until I started to realize how much I disliked this new part of Winter. It was beginning to get annoying. Perhaps I was being impatient, I thought I just wasn't used to it.
But really, there was much more to that.
Whatever the reason, it got on my nerves eventually. I slowly developed bitter feelings towards the topic, to all the crushes that had soon became a frequent part of her life. Anything related to love became overly typical to me.
Sometimes, I was so peeved that I started to rant to someone behind her back. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, I supposed. They merely rolled their eyes at me and told me it was natural; all girls do that.
I was disturbed and slightly enraged. Because all girls don't do that. That was just an excuse.
How dare they use such an excuse? How can they even think that it was okay?
... but of course they did. They weren't me. They didn't know how troubled I was feeling. Still, it was provoking me.
I told them I most certainly don't do that. They shrugged their shoulders and brushed me off, just like that. It wasn't their problem if I was acting so childish over something so small.
I started to wonder if I was just paranoid, and that maybe, it was just a small thing after all.
So I just tried to bear with it.
However, even I have limits.
Eventually... everything that I had been piling up inside of me, just, exploded.
~~~
"Shut up."
"Huh?"
"I said, shut up."
Silence.
For a moment, we both just kept quiet, both shocked at the cold words that had slipped out of my mouth.
Without thinking, I reached out for my bag and scrambled out of the door, all the while, my eyes completely avoiding hers.
She didn't stop me.
~~~
Two words. Just two words and then, everything that we've been trying so hard to keep safe, had come tumbling down with a terrible crash. All because I couldn't take it anymore.
I was pissed off, definitely. But I was also feeling frightened, gripped over what I had just done. I had just snapped at the person I called my best friend without any explanation whatsoever, and walked away, just like that.
I was also confused. What had I done?
Was it my fault? I asked myself, with a frown. Maybe I was too harsh. Could I possibly really be the unreasonable one? Was it all me?
....
I refuse to think so. If anything, it was her fault. She started it. She caused it.
It was all her fault, because she was practically asking for it, anyway.
And so, with those thoughts in mind, I waited. I loomed around my bedroom, doing practically nothing but waiting. At first, I tried distracting myself with the computer and some books, but found myself getting more and more impatient by the minute.
Minutes turned into hours, hours slowly turned into days.
What was I waiting for anyway? A call? A text? What did I expect?
I didn't know. I just wanted something. Anything.
... just, talk to me already.
Please.
