Chapter 15 : "The End", Letter From The Author

That's the end of "For You Eyes Only".


If you wonder if I care,
if you wonder if I still think about you,
if you wonder if I will still be there,
my answer is yes.

If I wonder if you still care,
if I wonder if you still think about me,
if I wonder if you will still be there...

The answer is for your eyes only.

Chapter 14 : Take A Chance

Right now is the time to suck it in, Summer.

I don't care if she doesn't look at me the same anymore.
I don't care if she doesn't need me anymore.
I don't care who is right or wrong.

But I do care about her.

I don't know why I still do... nor do I care.

I'm worried and it's impossible to hide it. And that has to mean something.

I always wanted her to know that I'm always a shoulder to cry on, even if she probably has a whole bunch of friends that probably more worth it than I am.

If she doesn't need me, she will tell me and I know.
If she doesn't miss me, it won't matter.

Because I'll try.

And if the wound reopens, or heals, at least I know I tried.

It can't be over. Not yet, not until I get my answers.

The buttons felt cold under my fingertips. I took a long breath and exhaled, making sure that I got the message across properly.


~~~


"Hey, Winter...

Written with a pen,
sealed with a kiss.
If you're my friend,
please answer me this:
"Are we friends or are we not?"
You told me once but I forgot.
So tell me now,
and tell me true,
so I can say, 'I am here for you'.
You're the one I won't forget,
And if I should die before you do,
I'll go to Heaven
and wait for you."


~~~


I'll wait for your reply patiently.

Chapter 13 : Wake Up

Oh god, oh god.

I bit my tongue and ran my fingers through my hair. My heart is pounding and I'm struck with the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I'm stuck. I'm going nowhere fast. And I want to do something.

Suddenly, everything washed away. Suddenly, everything doesn't matter anymore. And suddenly, I just want to talk to her again. I want to, NEED to know if she's okay.

Her pet rabbit passed away recently. It hit her hard.

I know she's depressed. I know exactly how important that rabbit was to her.

I'm suddenly overcome with feelings of anxiety. I need to do something. I always hated seeing her upset. I'm practically panicking.

I want her to know so badly.

If she needs me, I'll still be here.

If she needs me...

what if she doesn't need me?

I've struck a wall again. There's no time.

Make a choice.

Chapter 12 : Do You

Curiosity killed the cat, or so they say.

I think curiosity is starting to kill me, too.

I snort and lay on my bed, telling myself that I'm pathetic. So very pathetic and sad.

In case you're wondering, I'm really sure I'm not holding a grudge anymore. Now, I'm just left with meaningless debris to fumble through.

Hey, maybe I'm only lying to myself this whole while and I don't even know it. I've been feeling like I don't care, and I even tell myself that I don't. Clearly, that's not what my actions say.

Cos, really, I'm still dwelling on it.

Yeah, I've been admitting a lot of things lately. I can't tell what's true and what's a lie anymore.

So, I tell myself that I don't care if she doesn't. But actually, do I really care even if I thought she didn't?

I'm confusing myself so much, I know.

Heh... what's wrong with me?

I need answers.

Do I care or do I not?

Does she care or does she not?

Does she still think about me?
When will this blow over, huh?

Or will it not?

Are we doomed to stay this way forever?

What am I doing, what do I feel?

Where am I standing now?

Who is Winter to me?

Chapter 11 : Stubborn

Hey, would you ever know if you're being paranoid?

Meadow just told me that I'm being obsessive and really paranoid.

I don't think I'm obsessive... although, being paranoid is another story.

She told me that I'm just making it harder for myself and that I should just go talk to her already. Waiting doesn't help, she said, rolling her eyes.

Instead of replying to her insensitivity, I remained silent. I thought about it.

I came to a conclusion that this whole thing was stupid.

Meadow told me that Winter probably misses me as much as I did.

At that, I was slightly appalled. Did I really miss her? I didn't say anything about missing her. So why did it seem that way?

And how on earth did she know that Winter would ever miss me?

She gave up on me. I'm starting to believe that I'm a horrible friend, actually. Why else would she leave me?

I told her that.

Meadow just continued to roll her eyes like she was talking to a simpleton.

"Just talk to her." she urged, making it sound more like a demand more than anything else.

I refused her instantly.

"You're being difficult." she complained and gave me a fed-up look.

I grunted and made her drop the subject.

She did leave me with something to chew on, though. I pondered about whether I was really being difficult or not.

To be fair, I can't really say that I actually went over to her face to face and tried to fix the problem.

I just realized that and started to scold myself mentally.

Then, adding to my defense, she didn't really come and try to fix it either. She didn't bother to find out what happen, and to me, that's enough to say that she doesn't give a damn.

I've been holding on to that trail of thought for awhile. Then, I pondered again, if she did, possibly, gave a damn?

Then what?

I don't see it.

I just don't.

But what if she's like me, waiting too?

.... won't that make us both idiots?

...

...Yeah, maybe that's what we are.

Stubborn idiots.

Chapter 10 : From A Distance Without Me

Have you ever wondered what it's like to have a part of you missing?
It's an awkward feeling, it is.
I don't know if I'm what you would call 'healed' but I'm more or less fine now.

I'm not depressed anymore. I'm not even angry in the least, now.

Instead, I feel... awkward.

I still want to talk to her, but of course I know I can't, or even will, but still that doesn't stop me.
In fact, there are so many things I want to ask her. I feel as if there's no real ending to where we're heading. We're just suspended in thin air, going no where, yet moving on.

I don't want to approach her if she's not approaching me.
I keep that goal in mind and stay put where I am.

However, I know I am so tempted that it's probing my conscious.
I still visit her blog from time to time, since it's the only way I can know what's going on in her life.

She seems fine.

From the looks of it, it seems like she really doesn't care anymore. I've died out of her life and it doesn't matter anymore.

I wonder if that's something good to know about.

I know I'm not the only one with other friends to rely on. And I know for a fact that maybe, just maybe, I can be replaced after all.

Once again, I wonder if that's a bad or good thing.

I want to know what's going on with her life.
A life that I'm not part of anymore.

It's not an obsession, but it feels somewhat natural.

I wonder if she feels as awkward as I am.

All these questions crowding my head are making me dizzy.

What am I suppose to answer when someone asks me who is my best friend?

Who am I suppose to talk to when I'm feeling lonely?

Where will I be without her?

It's all so different.

And again, I ask myself if she's the same.

Why is it always like this? Why does it always appear one-sided? Why can't I seem to feel anything from her?

I told myself that I don't need her.
But maybe it's really the other way round. Maybe she doesn't need me.

I have this sinking feeling that tells me that maybe she's already moved on.

Leaving me behind.

Picking up the hand phone beside me, I find myself scrolling through our old messages, with her calling me 'sugar' and me pretending to hold our non-existent marriage together. I dig through my drawer and find a whole pile of notebooks that I used to buy from the school bookshop. Flipping them open, I gaze at the childish drawings we used to doodle during math classes.

How silly we were, how close we had been.

How can our friendship now... seem so much like an illusion?

I thought she would always be with me...

So how come I'm standing here...

alone?

Chapter 9 : Thanks For The Memories

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?


"A Poet doesn't make much."

"Nonsense. You should do what you like."

"...You really think so?"

"Sure! You know I believe in you."


So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.


"Hahaha! It's already 5 in the morning!"

"What?! Wow, really? I didn't realize that we were on the phone for so long..."

"Yeeees! You know you love talking to me!"

"Oh, you know I do!"


This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.


"NOOOOOOO. I don't want to go to that class! I want to be with you!"

"I know! It sucks! How can the teachers do this to us?!"

"IT'S A CRIME!"

"LET'S MAKE A REPORT! POLICE, POLICEEEE!"


So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.


"Pfft, we're just close. We're not lesbians!"

"WHAT? You mean you want a divorce?!?!"

"Huh-- what?"

"Oh, sure, you've already move on! WHAT ABOUT ME THEN? WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?"

"Noooo, baby, I don't mean it that way!"

"Too late! I'm taking the kids with me!"

"...E-eh! That's my wallet! EHH!"


This may never start.
Tearing out my heart.
I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
(I'd be your memory)
Feelings disappeared.
Can I be your memory?


"Hey, you think we'll be able to pass our PSLE?"

"Of course! Don't be so negative."

"I'm scared. What if I flunk math?"

"You won't. Hey, I suck at math too, right?"

"Weeeell...."

"Speechlessness means yes."

"....."

"If we die, we die together as proud losers! ..Hey, what are you grinning at?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"Whatever. Anyway, you know I believe in you. So don't give up! We have to go to the same secondary school and THEN JC! and THEN Japan! BWUHAHAHAH!"

"Okayyy.."

"YES! We shall dominate Japan as the two crazy best friends!"

"Alright! Sounds like a plan! COUNT ME IN!"


So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.


"...damn. We only missed a couple of points to our dream school."

"I know..."

"...."

"So... I guess... we won't be going to the same secondary school after all...."

"...."

"Hey... don't... don't replace me, okay?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I won't. Even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to!"

"Haha, really?"

"Course not. Besides, we still have to dominate Japan!"

"Oh yes, how could I forget?"

"Yes, how could you? Now I'M starting to get worried about You forgetting ME."

"Not a chance, my dear. I'll keep your memories vague. I'll never forget or replace you."

"...come here."

"What for?"

"I just wanna hug you, is all."

"W-what? Eh, wait, NO. GEEEERMMMS!"

"Attackkkk!"


This may never start.
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?


"Hey, you really meant it when you said you won't replace or forget me, right?"

"Course I did, silly."

"I'll be holding that promise to you, then."

"I'll be holding a promise to you, too."

"Which is....?"

"Best friends for life."

"Haha, that's cheesy. Let's link pinkies on that!"

"Kay!"


~~~


Hey, you...
...Don't forget your promise.